Spam Cabinet of Spamfics
by Noy Telin'u
Summary: A bunch of mini spamfics in a collection. Noy Telinú's most insane and wacky ideas. Ideas that are too crazy to be full stories. From Jusenkyo water being used for other means to parodying commercials... These are all bizarre. Spamfics galore!
1. Berry to Mint

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** this is fanfiction. Everything that is in this cabinet is fanfiction. Made by fans, for fans. It's the cheap stuff you get that rips off real cereal. Noy owns none of it. Nope.

**Spam:** this whole story if full of Spam. Very spamy. Spam. If you don't like Spam, don't go to Hawaii. They spam everything.

**Caution:** this is a collection. Each story is only one chapter long… cuz its spam.

You have been warned…

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Spam the 1st: Berry to mint!

"Really Nabiki? Why do I have ta do this?" Ranma asked, holding a piece of paper.

"They are testing it out with different types of people, you, your dad, and the rest of the Jusenkyo cursed people are different." Nabiki answered. "Said something about tasting different or something."

"Fine… I don't trust it though…" Ranma said suspiciously.

"It's just gum! What could go wrong?" Nabiki smirked knowingly.

"DON'T SAY THAT!" Ranma threw his hands up, panicking.

"Remember, this helps with the bills." Nabiki threatened even though she didn't mess with the bills in the first place.

"Yeah, yeah, where's Pop?"

"He's already on his way, better go now; they pay lots for you guys to test this."

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On his way to the testing site, Ranma spotted his father.

"Hey Pop! What do you think this is about?" Ranma asked as he jumped down next to Genma.

"I don't know son… but they give us free food afterward. Remember what I taught you, never turn down free food." Genma smiled with glee and his glasses fogged over.

"Except Akane's…" Ranma added.

"Quite right my son… for me. You have to eat it. You are engaged to her. It's a matter of family honor." Genma reminded him.

"Shut your yap, you're just a wimp."

"Not now boy, look at the time, we have to get there before they give away all the food!"

The two dashed off to the building.

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Ryoga Hibiki, the eternally lost boy, was lost. Duh. Anyway, right now he was in America, specifically Hawaii, eating a spam sandwich, with spam.

Looking into a note in his hand, he see's the invitation to test gum.

"If only I knew where it went! It has got to be here somewhere!" Ryoga called out in agony.

It took only 5 minutes for him to disappear from the islands…

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At a café that most certainly does not sell cats, a purple haired Chinese girl is getting ready to leave for a testing site with a mostly blind boy.

"Not know why stupid Mousse have to come." Shampoo complained.

"Child…" her great grandmother said. "It is for all Jusenkyo victims, and that means more money for the café."

"Shampoo still no like."

"It will be great Shampoo! Even if that no good Ranma will be there." Mousse butted in.

"Stupid mousse! Shampoo like Ranma! No insult arien!" Shampoo threatened.

"What does he have that I don't?" Mousse whined, desperate to gain his lover's affection.

"Ranma no duck for starters!" Shampoo insulted.

"Just go you two; I need a break from this teenage ruckus." Cologne rubbed her forehead.

"Yes great grandmother, even if have to go with blind boy." Shampoo insulted Mousse once again.

"What do you mean by that you old dried up monkey?" Mousse asked Cologne.

*Whack*

"Who's a monkey?" Cologne yelled.

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Way up in the sky, flying over Tokyo, was a Minotaur like beast with tentacles. He was headed to the same building as the other Jusenkyo cursed.

He would be there already if it wasn't for those girls in short skirts trying to kill him.

Sometimes, being mistaken for a monster is bad.

"Stop! You can't fly away forever Yuma!" cried one of many girls 13 blocks behind him.

"You can't fly away just like that!" another cried out.

The monster rolled his eyes, yep, there is a reason he doesn't visit southern Tokyo often.

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They were all gathered in the room now. Well, mostly.

Ranma, Genma, Shampoo, Mousse, and Pantyhose Taro were there.

The only missing person was…

*crash*

"Where the hell am I now?" Ryoga called out.

~ "Ah, right on time Ryoga, now, everyone can try the gum." ~ The voice from the intercom said.

"Why do I have to do this?" Ranma asked.

"Because free food." Genma answered.

They all took their piece of the gum, and chewed it.

"Well I don't taste anything." Ranma commented. "I think Akane's cooking might have killed my taste buds."

"Don't insult Akane!" Ryoga threw his glass of water at Ranma.

Now a girl, Ranma can taste it, a bit. "Oh, now I taste it, wait, it changed. Wasn't it berry before? Now its mint."

"What arien talk about? Shampoo gum taste fine. Ayiah! Gum change! Berry to mint!"

"Oh no! My sweet Shampoo! Saotome, what have you done to her?" Mousse accused the redhead.

"Hey! What did I do?" Ranma demanded.

"Shampoo! Get a hold of yourself!" Mousse throws his glass of water at Shampoo, who turns into a cat.

"AHHHH!" Ranma shouts as Shampoo lunges at her.

"Oh, there's the change. Yes, its mint now. Where's the food?" Genma comments when his glass is spilled when Ranma runs by with Shampoo hanging onto her.

[Food please] went a panda sign.

"Ha, the girly-man is still afraid of cats." Taro laughs. "They are right though. They do change flavors."

~ "Why aren't you guys freaking out more? Over." ~

"Huh?" Asked Mousse.

~ "Nothing..." ~

Taro stood up and stretched. "Well, this was eventful, but, I got someone to catch, later… losers." He threw water at Mousse and Ryoga at the same time, then himself, before flying off.

"Bwree!" P-chan complained.

"Quack!" Mousse agreed.

"Meyow!" Shampoo pouted.

"Ahhhh!" Ranma screamed.

[Food?] A panda wrote.

~ "Well… test concluded?" ~ The speaker spoke. ~"That was unexpected… Hey! The money is gone! Who stole it?"~

Everyone left in the room stopped.

"**WHAT?**" Ranma screamed.

~"Somebody stole the money!"~ The intercom voiced. ~"There is a huge hole in the wall and… uh, oh."~

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Flying away, Taro clutched the money bag, smiling with glee, which looked odd on a whatever he is.

Unfortunately, the girls in short skirts found him and were screaming about stealing money.

How he hated Tokyo.

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**Author's notes:** yes, this whole place is spam upon spam. Each chapter is a spam fic. This first one came out while Telinú was watching those gum commercials. I could just see them throwing water at each other when it was pitched. Anyway… these spamfics will be posted whenever, usually when something comes up. Yes, Noy knows that you can't use Taro as a name from Pantyhose taro but... eh... Oh and Ryoga is eating turkey spam in his first appearance in a Noy Telinú fic. Everything is random for this… on to serving 2!


	2. The most interesting pervert

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** Noy owns none of this. Reading this is illegal. Everything in this is illegal. Stop trying repeat it in real life. It's Illegal. All of it.

**Spam:** this if full of spam. Spam. Spam!

**Caution:** this is a spam one chapter mini story full of spam. Each chapter is another spam fic. Got it?

You have been warned…

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**Spam 2.0:** The Most Interesting Pervert In the World.

Nabiki was watching TV as usual when her program was interrupted by a commercial.

"Argg! I hate commercials, all they do is try to sell you stuff. Why bother, no one buys it anyway."

She hated commercials, especially the new ones…

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Old like film plays… Happosai comes in bouncing with a sack of underwear; following him is a hundred girls.

A male voiceover is heard. ~ "He gets pummeled by girls… every day." ~

Happosai is on the ground, being kicked and pummeled by the schoolgirls.

~ "He has stolen panties from every country in the world." ~

Show a montage of stealing the panties from queens, first ladies, empresses, princesses, and supermodels.

~ "He once lived without food or water in a cave for over 10 years on strength of perversion and a stash of women's underwear alone." ~

Cut to Happosai relishing in a cave with a women's bra.

~ "He has been doing this for almost 300 years." ~

Random Happosai stealing stuff from different time periods.

~ "He is… the most interesting pervert in the world." ~

It shows Happosai laughing hysterically, jumping buildings, being chased by girls.

~ "I don't always steal panties… but when I do… I prefer Akane's." ~

Happosai is in his room going over his collection. Akane comes in, Angry.

~ "What a haul what a haul!" ~

Happosai runs away with Akane chasing him.

The screen cuts to black, Akane's blue panties are shown with Japanese kanji. 100,000 yen is seen.

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Nabiki takes a potato chip… and eats it.

Nothing dramatic happens though. And then she reaches for more.

"He hee, that was definitely worth it." Nabiki giggles. "Still, Akane should be glad; we have enough money for a 3-D TV now."

Oh, she liked this one though; it brought in a lot of yen. Akane's used panties get 100,000 yen a piece. That is, the ones that she can get away from Happosai.

To top it off, despite what logic would think, the commercials with Happosai being a pervert increased the price 10 fold.

Akane still hates her though.

Nabiki shrugged as she continued to watch Death Note.

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Some time later, the next round for commercials start. The last one makes Nabiki laugh.

The screen shows Happosai being chased by all of Nerima, everyone is chasing him. All the oddities are there too. Crazy stuff. Specifically, the same exact scene from the first movie.

The male announcer speaks over the whole thing. ~ "He is the most hated and wanted man in Japan." ~

Cue Happosai being shot at with guns as he is training Soun and Genma.

~ "He steals from everyone." ~

Cut to Happosai messing with Ranma-chan in the bathhouse.

~ "He doesn't care with the when, who, what, or why." ~

Happosai is rummaging through the girls' locker room, evading being hit.

~ "He raids everywhere." ~

Happosai is flying through the air.

~ "He gets more air mileage in a year than the average businessman in his lifetime." ~

Cue Happosai diving for Ranma-chan's breasts only to be pummeled.

~ "His only weakness; is his biggest strength." ~

Happosai is latching onto a ghost woman's breasts.

~ "He is… the most interesting pervert in the world." ~

Happosai is in his room, ironing panties.

~ "I don't always steal panties… just… most of the time, Oh my sweet Akane-chan's panties… hey! Give those back!" ~

Happosai chases Nabiki with Akane's panties.

The screen cuts to black and its Akane's blue panties with 1,000,000 yen price and the words 'steal responsibly' under it.

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Nabiki is laughing when Akane comes in.

"NABIKI!"

"What? Can't a girl make a little cash?"

"At least give me some money for MY UNDERWEAR!"

"Oh, fine, I just wish that new TV would get here. Akane's Underwear… in 3D! HA!" Nabiki falls down laughing.

Akane growls at Nabiki. "Nabiki, give me my cut then… NOW!"

"You sooo need anger management classes. Here. Buy more panties. Keep this up and you'll get your own line."

Akane just fumes as she takes her money and storms away.

Ranma comes in the other way and steps back when he sees Akane.

"What's she mad about now?" He asked.

"She's just mad about her panties being sold. You know, you could get them for free if you just marry Akane, Ranma."

"Hey! You know I can't do that until stuff is taken care of. Besides, she is really getting mad these last 23 days."

"Guilty as charged. Not that I care. Hmmm…. Hey Ranma, what's better, a pool or a Jacuzzi?"

"You are evil, you know that Nabiki?"

"Well aren't you Captain obvious?"

Ranma walks away, still mad about Nabiki's 'new idea to make money' scheme she started when she screwed up his and Akane's wedding. It just made Akane mad all the time, even worse when she found out her panties were being sold when she saw the ad on TV 19 days ago. The only good thing was that Happosai had a job now, and out of everyone's way since he spent his time molesting the filming crew for the new commercials.

~ "I take a chip… and eat it!" ~

"Hey, I do that too!" Nabiki tells the TV. "I just don't feel important enough to hire an orchestra to play when I eat. Although…"

"Oh my! Nabiki, please don't, we don't have the room." Kasumi called from the kitchen.

"Oh, fine."

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Another commercial shows during the next cycle.

Happosai is a giant facing a giant panda in the middle of Tokyo.

~ "He was a monster once. Minus the 'was'." ~

Happosai bathing Pantyhose Taro in the spring at Jusenkyo.

~ "He created a monster, for the sake of good." ~

Shows Taro destroying Tokyo chasing after Haposai.

~ "Or maybe not." ~

A mini Hinako is with Happosasi in the Hospital draining nurses.

~ "He saved a girl from a terrible disease, just so he can use her to get away from hordes of nurses." ~

Showing Ranma using Happosai's lust to cause a twister.

~ "His lust; caused a tornado once." ~

Show Happosai's head in the ground in the bathhouse under Ranma-chan's fist.

~ "He is… the most interesting pervert in the world." ~

Happosai throwing lingerie in the air laughing happily.

~ "I don't always steal panties… but when I do, I prefer Akane's. Hey! No! this is mine! I stole it fair and Square!"

Akane fighting for her panties with Happosai.

~ "Hey! These are mine! Give them back!" ~

~ "Let me snuggle between your breasts and we'll talk…" ~

Kanji appears on the screen, the fight a bit out of focus.

~ "Akane's Panties. Only 10,000,000 yen while supplies lasts." ~

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Nabiki was on the couch, counting yen when Happosai stares at the TV.

"I'm on TV… in 3-d! This *sniff* is one of the happiest days of my life."

Outside you can see a Jacuzzi, a swimming pool, and a bathhouse.

"Yep. When do you go back?" Nabiki asks.

"Tomorrow…" Happosai drools.

In the pool is a bunch of people, in the Jacuzzi is Ranma, Genma, Mousse, and Ryoga all relaxing.

Akane, Ukyo Shampoo, and Kodachi are in the Tendo bathhouse, all getting along.

Akari is sunbathing with Kasumi and Nodoka.

Cologne has a little cart selling noodles next to the pool.

Konatsu is eating happily with Tsubasa and Sasuke.

Kuno and his father are enjoying themselves in the scenery.

Taro is in the pool, playing pranks on the female participants.

Herb arrives with Lime and Mint, carrying gifts.

All around the world happiness is up 177%.

An alternative fuel that comes from female human juices is 7 times more efficient than gasoline.

All and all the world is a better place, just because Akane's panties were sold in the first place.

The End!

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**Author's notes:** this is Noy's favorite spam story… ever. And I like it too. It's so funny. Spam never tasted so filling before…and I'm text! As you can see, by selling Akane's panties, you can make the world a better place for us all. # not intended to be a factual statement.


	3. Shampoo's shampoo

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** this is more on a commercial that is well known. If you hate that, or hate the way it can be used, then don't read it.

**Spam:** this is spam… remember this now…

**Caution:** bashing ahead.

You have been warned…

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**Triple spam:**Shampoo's shampoo.

~"Hi, Airen!"~ the TV shouted with sounds of a purple-haired Amazon warrior. She was decked out in a Chinese dress and standing at the Cat Café.

~"Look at ugly, stupid Akane! Now back to Shampoo! Now back to uncute tomboy Akane! Now Back to Shampoo! Sadly, Shampoo not next to you; but if you kill Akane, Shampoo would be happy, you too!"~ the TV continued, Shampoo clearly smiling on the screen.

~"Look pants, now up. You like Shampoo, no? Shampoo is much, much better."~ Shampoo was on a boat.

~"Where are you? Shampoo knows! With stupid kitchen destroyer and not Shampoo!"~ Shampoo rambled on, now on a beach.

~"What in hand? Shampoo have it! It Jusenkyo man water! Look now! Shampoo have girl water too!"~ Shampoo had two flasks of Jusenkyo water in her hands.

~"Anything is possible with Shampoo and not Akane!"~ Shampoo boasted, stripping from her Chinese dress into a bikini.

~"Shampoo much sexier!"~ Shampoo posed on a towel on the beach.

~"*Meow!*"~

The commercial ends.

"What Great-grandmother think?" Shampoo waited eagerly for a response.

"Shampoo, this will never work," Cologne grumbled, hands on her face.

"Aww…" Shampoo cried, defeated.

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~"Nihao! Shampoo has new shampoo!"~ Shampoo was on TV again; this time she was in a bikini to begin with, standing on a beach. ~"Shampoo's shampoo may not make you look like Shampoo, but you smell like Shampoo. Is good enough for you!"~

Shampoo jumped in the water. ~"Shampoo shampoo is waterproof too! No fear Jusenkyo with Shampoo shampoo."~

Shampoo proceeded to pour more water on herself. ~"With Shampoo shampoo you no change and smell like Shampoo!"~

She got hit with water one last time, washing it off. ~"*Meow Meow Meow Meow… Meow Meaow Mewa wa*"~

It ended.

"Great-grandmother, how this one?" Shampoo looked hopeful.

"No… child… you don't understand… I…" Cologne noticed that Shampoo ran off.

"Don't worry, Shampoo! I'll change you back!" Mousse was behind Cologne drowning a shampoo bottle in water.

"Arg…" Cologne went to bed.

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"Hey, Akane… have you felt… odd lately, like something STUPID was gonna happen?" Ranma asked as he walked with Akane to school.

"Yeah… it feels like…" Akane then jumped back as she heard a familiar ring.

"Nihao! Shampoo has new shampoo! It shampoo in your shampoo, Shampoo has…" Shampoo's eyes crossed. "AHHH! Shampoo head hurt! Try shampoo from Shampoo, yes?"

"… Called it!" Ranma sighed as Akane facepalmed.

"Try Shampoo shampoo! Shampoo shampoos the shampoo out of hair to get more Shampoo it…" Shampoo's eyes crossed so hard, she fell over.

"Well, let's go…" Ranma walked again.

"Honestly…." Akane sighed.

"Stupid Japanese language!" Shampoo cursed.

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**Author's notes:** Spam spam spam spamity spam it has spam until you spam! I wanted to think that when Wilbur died, he became spam. It'll be hilarious! Spam! Thanks AA for rejecting the story that led to this spam.


	4. Jusenkyo Clinic

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** for certain people this may make you angry… or depressed don't blame me.

**Spam:** "But… I don't like spam!" then why are you in Hawaii! Err… reading this!

**Alert!:** this touches on issues and stuff… I can't remember, but one person hated me for this.

You have been warned…

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**Death spam (4):**The Gender-Bender Clinic

Nabiki saw the light at her desk go green. "Alright, we're ready for the next one… number 5?"

"That's me!" said an effeminate but fake voice.

He in his best dress walked… oddly through the right door.

'Thank GOD for Jusenkyo,' Nabiki thought as she rolled her eyes.

*Ding dong!* Another person walked through the front door.

"Hello… I'm here… for… um…"

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "Are you here for an MTF or a FTM or… other?" Nabiki asked professionally.

"Oh… um… I… how… much… I mean… does it work…"

"Look… whoever you are… everything works 100% biologically. Reproduction too." Nabiki sounded bored and annoyed. "It's a quick, painless surgery, and no scars either. Now… what do you want?"

"Oh… umm… err… how much does MTF cost?"

"It's 1,019,000 yen. Now, we do have a monthly payment plan, but we prefer it upfront," Nabiki answered. "Fast, easy, fully reproductive, no scars, and is completely reversible. Sort of… There is this theory that something always happens to MTFs if they try to go back, but we're good. No need to worry."

"That is a lot…"

"Cheaper than other places. No hormones to buy or even long for recovery either," Nabiki countered.

"Hmm… alright, I'll do it!"

"Good. Now tell me all plastic or other foreign objects in your body…" Nabiki collected the money.

"None…"

Nabiki gave the customer an odd look.

"What?"

"Ok… here, your number is 27. That should be in two hours. When called, go through the right door."

The green light flashed again on Nabiki's desk.

"Number 6! Your turn!" Nabiki called out.

A person in an overcoat nodded and took the left door.

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Akane saw the person enter from the left side. "It's a guy… Well, my break then…"

Kasumi smiled. "I'm glad you're taking this well."

Akane growled. "I still hate it… Bunch of perverts…"

"Now, Akane, some people hate the sex they were born with and want to be the other…"

"I know, I know…. But still… sometimes… I'm afraid someone is just using this to sneak into girls' locker rooms…" Akane mumbled

"Most of them are older, you know. That's why Nabiki set the price so high…" Kasumi mused.

Akane sighed. "I guess. Too bad Ranma can't be cured with this."

"Yes… that's why he's out front promoting it with Mr. Saotome… Too traumatic to be in here…"

Akane nodded in pity. "These people are here doing it permanently. While neither works on him, I guess I can figure out why he has nightmares."

"Tea?" Kasumi offered.

"Thank you." Akane took some.

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Soun Tendo greeted the man that came through the door.

"Now, will you undress and lay down on this?" Soun said.

The soon-to-be-physically man agreed and undressed, he laid down uneasily on the large, plastic bed-like structure.

"Now… what is your name?" Soun asked, looking professional.

"I was born Danielle. I'm changing it to Daniel. Um… how does this work? Why is this thing so big?"

"We get a lot of people from all over… like you…"

"American… I took four years of Japanese in university."

"Ah, yes." Soun nodded. "That explains that."

"They said it was painless…"

"Yes. Yes, this is… do you have anything in your body? We have to remove anything like that…"

"No… I'm ready."

"Good… now I'll put you under so we can begin…" Soun placed a gas mask on the guy, causing him to go unconscious.

"*Sniff* There goes another young lady…" he cried and pulled the lever next to the bed.

*Splash* The bed was sunk into a tank below it filled with water containing powder from the Spring of Drowned Man packets.

"*Gasp!*" He came up for air, now completely a he.

"*Cough,* Ack… What was that?" His eyes grew wide and he looked at his hands.

"Yes, it was a success!" Soun cried. "That dip into water was to wash away anything else."

"I… I'm a man…" Daniel was amazed.

"Yes, indeed you are." Soun pulled the lever and he was raised out of the water.

"That was incredible… my voice…" He sat up. "I'm bigger."

Soun nodded. "Here are your clothes, though I doubt they'll fit you. Now, the last thing to do is to go through that door and wash yourself to get used to your body. Careful, water's cold."

Daniel nodded and went through the door.

In it was an enormous shower in a white and brown room.

"Wow…" Daniel placed his clothes on the edge and went into the shower, seeing height markings on the wall along with a device to measure height.

Standing underneath it, the device lowered itself onto the top of his head.

"Name?" the feminine computer voice asked.

"Daniel…" he answered.

"Daniel. 188 centimeters tall. Six feet, two inches."

Daniel was shocked and stepped away, seeing his name being written next to the marking of 188 centimeters.

"Whoa…" He saw other names at different heights, all on the right side, the inches side. And they were all girls' names. All five of them.

He shook his head and turned on the water.

"COLD!" He turned it off.

Of course, the Locking Ladle in the tank made it that all water out of that shower was cold…

"FTM complete. Hot water test…"

*Splash* Hot water from a different nozzle hit him.

"Oww!"

"Readings indicate male. Have a good day, Daniel."

Daniel rubbed his head and shrugged. "Guess it's just to keep records of everyone's changes."

He saw that there was a rack of martial arts gi of different sizes. Daniel put on one that fit and left through the door that said 'Exit.'

On the other side of the door was a short hallway with a door at the end. Curiously, he went down it, noticing that it was blow-drying him.

Exiting the hallway, he found himself on the street. The door closed behind him, sealing itself to that it looked just like the surrounding wall.

"Odd… But I'm a man…" He smiled.

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"Alright, number seven!" Nabiki called and a person bowed and went through the right door.

"And I hate that we have to have cold tea…" Akane saw that someone was coming and put down her cup. "Welcome to Jusenkyo Clinic."

Kasumi smiled. "Please undress and lay down on this."

"Uh huh…" the soon to be biological woman agreed.

"Now, what's your name?" Kasumi smiled.

"I… my name is Josei. I picked it out myself."

Akane nodded. "And why are you doing this?"

"Well…" Josei nervously answered. "I never felt right being a guy… and…"

Joise started crying.

"There, there…" Kasumi calmed down the customer. "We're not here to judge you… now, do you have any plastic or other objects in you?"

"… Yes… I have fake breasts…"

Akane almost had a mix between a sigh of relief and a growl of anger.

"Now… is that all?" Kasumi asked.

Josei nodded.

"We have to get it out. Here breathe this." Akane handed Joise a mask. "Oh wait… one thing… your hair is brown… what color is your mother's?"

"Green…"

"Oh my." Kasumi smiled. "There is a 33% chance that you'll have green hair once we're done. Would you like that?"

"Yes… I think I'll like green hair…"

"Good… now breathe this…" Kasumi smiled.

Josei put on the mask and was soon unconscious.

Akane made a mark on each of the fake breasts and Kasumi pushed a button.

A machine came down from the ceiling, quickly removed the breast implants, closed the wounds, and retreated.

"That still scares me," Akane commented.

Kasumi nodded.

"Well, bye-bye, boy," Akane pulled the lever.

*Splash*

"*Gasp* Ack *cough* What? I'm up!" Josei gaped and looked at her hands… and bust…

'They always look at their breasts first….' Akane sighed.

"I think it worked perfectly." Kasumi smiled.

"I… it… I…"

"You are a young woman now," Kasumi explained.

"I… Th-h-ank you!" she cried.

Akane sighed and pulled the lever back up.

"Everything is so… big…" she realized. "And…"

She saw a strand of hair fall in her face. She expected that, growing her hair long and all, but it was green. Dark green.

"More of a foresty color…" Josei noticed. "My hair's green!"

"Yes, it is…" Kasumi smiled.

"Yay! My hair, my voice… my… yes! Thank-you-thank-you-thank-you!"

"You're welcome." Kasumi handed Josei her clothes. "Now take these and go take a shower. Careful, it will be cold. There are a few surprises there."

"Right through this door." Akane opened it.

*Glomp* She smothered her.

"Thank you!" she cried.

*Glomp* Kasumi now. "Thank you both… I'm… I'm a real woman now…"

Kasumi smiled while Akane looked impatient.

"Thank you all! Yes!" She dashed through the door.

"Glad that's over," Akane sighed

"Oh, I think you're just jealous. Don't worry Akane, she'll grow old like the rest of us… Spring of Drowned Woman was oddly in packet form." Kasumi smiled. "I didn't even know there was a spring of drowned woman... oh well..."

"I'm not jealous!" Akane lied. "It's just… we have to fill it soon."

"Oh, yes, that's right…"

Josei was feeling her body around, not caring that the water was cold. '162 centimeters!' she thought joyously. 'Yes!'

She cleaned up, redressed and left.

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"And that's everyone today..." Nabiki counted the money. "117 transformations on the first day... 93 MTF... 19 FTM... and 5 others including a dolphin, a cat, a catgirl, a dog-eared boy, and an octopus guy..."

"I hate this Nabiki..." Ranma muttered as she walked inside.

"Oh, come on Ranma... at least you're being paid." Nabiki smirked.

"I'm in a bunny outfit!" She yelled.

Nabiki blinked. "Yeah, so?"

Ranma cried out in anguish.

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**Author's notes:** spam! Of course Nabiki made money off of them! Whooo! Spam. It's like a samich! If you hate this spam, go complain cuz this is the internet and I am the Text!


	5. Jusenkyo Jail

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** you may think this is cruel and unusual for punishment… those who hate that, GET OUT! For this… is… SPAM!

**Spam:** it comes in a can… and it is not like jam.

You have been warned…

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**$5 foot spam:** Jusenkyo Jail

Meanwhile, in California…

"We find the defendant… guilty," the jury foreman announces in court. He has a moustache.

The judge rubs his chin. "The sentence is for four years. You should have picked a better state to do dogfighting in… like Hawaii… or Idaho. However, there is… a _special_ place I can send you instead for two years… but… you must sign this."

The judge takes out a piece… of… PAPER!

Lightning strikes outside the window.

"I'll do it!" the defendant blurts, a man whose age isn't important. Let's say… 47… yeah, that sounds good.

"Very well…" the judge gives the paper to someone, who gives it to someone else, who gives it to the man who is believed to be 47.

"You should read it…" his lawyer advises.

"Get out of here!" the guilty man yells. "You failed! AARRGGG!"

The lawyer guy shrugs and leaves.

The man, who is really guilty, signs without reading and the paper is handed back to the judge.

"Oh well…" The judge clears his throat. "I hereby sentence you to two years at Jusenkyo Jail III."

*Bam* The gravel strikes, sealing the fate of an idiot.

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"Hey, boss… I've been wondering… why is it called Jusenkyo Jail III anyway?" the bus driver, driving a busload of criminals, asked the security guard, who was standing, watching the guilty.

"Because it's the third one built after the ones in China and Japan..." the security guard answered. "Some girl came up with the idea as a better way to punish criminals… Man, she's rich now…"

"Designed by a girl?" the bus driver asked, astonished.

"Yup, came up with how to build it and sent us the plans thirteen months ago," the guard answered. "It's ready for its first prisoners today."

The bus driver nodded and peered in the rearview mirror to take a look at the criminals. "So, what kinds of things did these guys do?"

"Oh, the usual… dog fighting, dolphin killing, raping, that sort of thing…" The guard smirked. "I doubt anyone read the paper… or even if they _did_, I doubt they believed it."

"That's so true…" the bus driver laughed. "We're here… Welcome to Jusenkyo Jail III… right outside Bakersfield…"

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"Alright, everyone up against the wall. This is a search…" a big security guard ordered. "Anything and everything you have or have on will be confiscated. You will have it returned when your time is up."

"What? I don't want to get naked in front of all of you!" 47-year-old dogfighting guy said.

"Tough," the giant security guy replied. "Now, get in line against the wall."

The prisoners grumbled.

"I… I'm not getting naked around all these… these… MEN!" a woman said venomously.

"If you don't do it yourself, someone will do it for you… got that, Miss?" The security guy smirked evilly.

"You wouldn't dare!" she responded.

*Snap* went his fingers.

A short guy brought him a piece of paper.

"On here… where you signed, fifth paragraph: I forfeit all rights of privacy during the duration of my sentence." He gave the paper back. "Don't test my patience."

"I… I…" The woman shivered.

Another woman sighed. "Oh, stop worrying and do it! It's not like they would allow them to rape us."

"You… Why… Argggg!" the terrified woman growled.

The other woman groaned. "We agreed to it, now zip it. I want to get this over with."

"How could you?" The terrified woman was shocked.

"One…" the security guard said loudly.

The male prisoners stripped, sensing the warning.

"Because we're in jail! Now shut up!" The annoyed woman began undressing.

"This is not right! Men can't see women naked!" the terrified woman argued.

The annoyed woman returned fire. "Oh? How about the opposite?"

"Well, duh, of course we can…"

"Two…" the guard shouted.

The other women in the line began undressing, knowing that tone of voice.

"That's the stupidest thing I ever heard." The annoyed woman was sweatdropping.

"No! It's how it is! In fact, women shouldn't show any private parts of their body unless paid!"

"Three…" The security guard drew his gun.

*Bam* He shot the terrified woman.

*SHRIEKKKK!* The woman fell to the ground as volts upon volts of electricity went through her body, causing her to lose consciousness.

'Wow… I thought he was going to shoot her… Loud taser…' the annoyed woman thought.

The guard stripped and searched her body.

"Anything else you want to ask?" he inquired.

Everyone else shook their heads.

"Your choice. I'm here if you want something done right." He then stood up and got out a wristwatch walkie talkie. "Search the prisoners now."

Five women came out behind a door and started searching the prisoners.

Once they were all undressed and searched, they were marched against the wall with their stuff to a window.

There woman sat behind a desk. "Name?"

"Bob Otamot," Bob said.

He handed her everything he had.

"Good. Let's see here… a year for dogfighting. Here, take this." She handed him a blue dog collar stamped with the date and the numeral 001.

"What the?" Bob said in confusion.

"Next!" the counter woman said, causing a not-huge security guard to push Bob away.

He was led down the gray concrete hallway to a door that said 'Dog.'

"In ya go!" the security guard shouted, pushing Bob in through the doorway.

There, a person in a hazmat suit greeted him. "Welcome… Put on your collar… Don't even think of running, you're on Candid Camera."

Bob protested. "Like hell I will!"

*Zap* The dog collar zapped the hand in which he held it, causing Bob to fall to the ground in agony.

"That was a bad idea." The hazmat guy put the collar on Bob. "Now, go through that door."

Bob grumbled and obeyed, seeing a small circular pool with slanted sides surrounding it as if to keep the water from spilling out.

The hazmat guy was behind him. "Jump into the pool."

"What?"

"Look, I have more coming in soon; now, jump or I'll push you in."

Bob grumbled some more, causing the hazmat guy to push him.

*Splash*

"Bad boy…" The hazmat guy went back through the door.

"Arff! Arff arf!" the newly made dog cried out, wondering what happened.

Loud noises filled the room as a metal drainage circular… thing… came upward from under Bob, causing him to rise upward through a hole in the ceiling.

*Clank* He saw that he was in a metal cage.

*WHOOSH!* Bob was blasted with cold air from all sides.

"Well, well, well… A terrier…" A man smiled as he approached the cage. "Now, let's get you in your cell… You've been a bad, bad dog…"

He pulled a lever and the cage moved on a conveyer belt, letting the metal water strainer lower back down.

"Growll arff ARF!" Bob the dog barked.

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"Um… Boss, sir…" a security guard asked the giant one.

"Yes?"

"Um… Why are they different colors?"

The large man chuckled. "It's to keep track of their sentences. It has the date it was given and how long they have left. Black is six months; blue is a year; green is two years; red is three; yellow is four; five is pink; and ten is white. It accounts for everyone and it's changed when they hit the new mark."

"Ooh… That makes sense." The smaller guy nodded. "I hate the 'no hot liquid' rule, though. I need my coffee!"

"Hey! Don't push me!" The terrified woman was trying to cover herself and wasn't cooperating.

"Oh, I've had it…" The large security guard zapped her again.

"Can you match her face?" the guard asked.

The woman behind the counter rubbed her chin. "Ah, yes… here. Wow… burnt down a sperm bank, attacked police officers' groins, and stole from old, rich men. Crazy…" She gave a white BDSM collar to the guard, numbered 006.

The guard took it and carried her to the room, putting the collar on her loosely.

"Oh, you're going to be here a long time…" The guard opened the 'Man' door.

A hazmat suit guy saw him and sighed. "Uncooperative, I see."

He nodded and opened the door, throwing her in the pool.

*Splash*

"*Cough* Ackkk! What the? AHHHH!" the newly made man screamed.

He was raised by the same device as in the dog cage and lifted through the ceiling.

"Ten years as a man should teach him some manners." The security guard who was a giant left.

"Oh hoh, hoh, hoh… Aren't you a cutie?" A woman smiled as she saw the newly made man in the cage as it started rolling. "Very thin… weak looking… But look at your face! Ooh…"

"What's going on?" he screamed, closing his mouth.

"Why, you're going to be a man for ten years. Isn't that nice? Here, this is your uniform, 006." She handed him white spandex shorts with '006' stamped on them.

"AHHHH!" he screamed.

"Oh, I'm going to enjoy looking at your cute butt all day…" She smiled.

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"Name?" the counter woman asked.

"Fetter, James Fetter…" he said.

"Alright, let's see… Raped an unconfirmed number of women, pleaded that it was consensual. But then killed five of them, pleaded self defense... Wow… only five years here. Here, wear this." She gave him a pink collar that said '007.'

He put it on reluctantly and was led to the 'Woman' room.

"Oh, how I love irony," the hazmat suit person said. "Now, go through the room and dive in."

"Look, maybe…"

"Zip it, go in," the hazmat suit person said.

"Hmmm… But don't you…"

*Zap*

"Don't make me throw you in," the hazmat suit person warned.

He reluctantly went through and jumped in.

"What was that tingling…? OH MY!" the new woman exclaimed.

The metal framework lifted her out into the ceiling where a woman was waiting.

"And another one… That's five already. Hee hee… 007. Ooh… and you get a pink bikini… How nice." The woman gave her a pink bikini with '007' on it and walked over to the other inmates, where a man was laughing.

"That's what you get when you don't believe in magic." He laughed more. "Nice accommodations, don't you think? Very plush… and pink. Oh, I love my job…"

"I'll get you for this!" 004 shouted anger in her voice.

The woman employee laughed as well. "Oh, I doubt _that_ very much."

005 was still looking at her hands and chest. "It's not possible…"

"Not probable," 007 said. "I've seen many odd things… but this takes the cake."

"Ooh, cake!" 003 clasped her hands together.

"Jake… she might have been innocent…"

"Or just lost her mind…" Jake responded.

"Well… we won't have another one for a while…" the female employee commented. "So, I'll leave you ladies be. Jake, I have cake…"

Jake's eyes widened. "I'll be there…"

Both left the criminals to the silence of their plush pink cells.

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'Why a belt?' The newly processed 008 wondered to himself as he was led to the room that said 'Dolphin.'

"Ah, a green belt is my first victim. Mwahhahaha!" A hazmat-suit-wearing guy laughed evilly.

"Um… what?" The man who was 008 was obviously confused… obviously.

"Now… through SCIENCE! I shall perform a dolphinoctomy! Dolpinectimy! Dolphin… emmey… whatever. Get into the room! Mwahahaha!"

008 complied and saw a pool of water.

"Jump in and let the transformation… begin!" the hazmat-suited evil genius ordered.

'That guy is crazy.' 008 dove into the water, changing into a dolphin.

*Creak* *Groan* *Screech* A gate opened up underwater while a water-straining metal thing pushed the new dolphin through it and another gate, and another gate, into…

… An aquarium-like structure.

He swam around, getting used to the feeling and wondering what just happened, when he heard a voice.

"Well, hi there!" a woman in a wetsuit smiled. "We have a lot of training to do if we want to be ready for the zoo opening on Friday."

008 stuck his head out of the water and looked at her oddly.

"Yep. Now, let's get practicing. I've got fishies… yay, fishy!" The woman tilted her head, smiling.

"Echh ec ecc ech!" 008 tried to speak.

"Aww… He's cute!" The trainer smiled wider. "Want a fishy? I need you to train if you want fishy!"

008 would have groaned if he could.

"Come on, I have you for two years and after that, no dolphin killing for you! Nice green belt… Adds to customization!" The trainer got out a fish. "Let's begin!"

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"I still feel weird about this…" a small security guard told the 6-foot-9 giant one.

"Don't be."

"I don't know… is it le-gal?"

"I will make it legal," the giant security guard answered. "Not that I have to…"

"Isn't this unconstitutional, or something?"

"No… the president liked the irony of the punishments… That and they signed the paper. It's not like we treat them bad."

"Ok, I guess it's fine…" the small security guard sighed.

"I hate this... *mumble*" the last man said as he walked up to the window.

"So… you must be…" the receptionist started.

"Don't… don't say it…" the man pleaded.

"Alright… wear this, 047." She gave him a green dog collar.

"What are the odds…?" He looked at the giant security guard and sighed.

After rubbing his side from the burn marks of multiple zappings, the guy who was 47, 047, put on the dog collar and was escorted by three guards to the dog room.

"Learned your lesson?" the giant asked.

He kept quiet.

"Last one for today… lets see what you will be." The hazmat guy seemed curious.

The green collar fit around his throat and he was pushed into the next room and shoved into the pool.

He was soon in a cage, being looked at by a man.

"And a chihuahua. How nice…" The man looked over the dogs as some barked at him. "Now, now… don't get all female-you on me, like 011 here. For crimes of dogfighting, you will be dogs. Enjoy. And sleep tight. We will take better care of you than you did of them…"

He turned and left, leaving the dogs in a kennel-like area.

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"388 filled already by Friday? Good." Nabiki talks on the phone, eating potato chips. "Oh… that's your capacity as well… You're the ones who didn't listen to my advice. Now… about my payment… I wouldn't mind it in dollars, but you'll have to pay an extra fee… Great, nice doing business."

She hangs up the phone. "1.17 million dollars. Man, I've loved it since Ranma came."

She then takes the last large potato chip… and EATS IT!

"I hate the weather," Ranma grumbles as she boils up a pot of water. "Hmm? Nabiki? Are potato chips supposed to sparkle? I know vampires ain't…"

"Oh, Ranma, Ranma…" Nabiki turns and leaves, money signs in her eyes.

Ranma shrugs and boils her water, trying not to watch it.

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**Author's notes:** it'll be nice to have a jail like this… one can dream… one can dream. Goooo spam! Yay! Thanks tuatara and Kris Leena… thanks for keeping this in line… I'll take the spam, please… with extra spam.


	6. The Return of the Pervert i

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics 

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** the spam fics contains many ideas some consider to be unnatural.

**NOooOo!:** if you like Ryoga… well… don't look…

**I am a spamfic:** like my fanfic before me.

You have been warned….

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_Who knows when, in a universe far, far away…_

**Spamfics Episode VI: Return of the pervert-i**

**Life! Akane Tendo continues about her life living in Nerima, Tokyo. **

**However, darkness awaits in the form of a piglet, spying on her closely-guarded privacy. **

**For 13 months this has led on without end.**

**In the sanctuary of a furo, our heroine continues her battle versus perverted-ness….**

"Ah… this is the life… No Ranma, no perverts, no Shampoo… Everything is just **fine**…" Akane sighed to herself as she enjoyed her bath.

Unbeknownst to her, a very familiar piglet was lost in her home.

'Where the hell am I now? Oh, wait, I know that… I'm at Akane's house! Gah! Must get out of here!' Ryoga thought to himself as he scampered along.

*Scamper, Scamper, Scamper.*

Due to his family's nature of getting lost, Ryoga found himself next to a tub of hot water.

*Splash* The piglet jumped in.

'Hm?' Akane noticed her pet pig jump into the bath with her. 'P-chan has come to join me… How sweet.'

Immediately after, however, the tiny piglet grew to be Ryoga. It came as no surprise to anyone… except…

"RYOGA?" Akane was shocked. "Why are you? I… AHHH!"

She could deny it no longer… Ryoga Hibiki, the sweetest male her age, was now an enemy of the Akane.

'Do what must be done, Akane Tendo,' Akane's thoughts told her. 'Do not hesitate, show no mercy.'

Ryoga was wide eyed, speechless as he made the biggest mistake of his life.

The whole room turned dark….

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"Ladies and gentlemen, draw your eyes to the center ring! We have a very special presentation in store for _you_," the unseen announcer spoke. "In this **corner**, a man so tough, ever boulders won't harm him, ha ha haha! He can get lost in a closet, The Eternally Lost BOY!"

Half the crowd cheered.

"And in the other corner, a woman with steel in her bones and lava flowing through her veins, she can't take a hit but demands to fight, The Uncute TOMBOY!" the announcer yelled.

The other half of the crowd cheered.

"Now… for the moment you've all been waiting for… Let the DEATH MATCH… **BEGIN**!"

*Bing* went a bell.

The soundtrack set to KotOR dueling ring music, Akane charged Ryoga.

"And The Uncute Tomboy starts with a haymaker to the jaw of The Eternally Lost Boy!" the announcer announced since he was the announcer.

*CRACK* went Ryoga's jaw.

"OOH! The Uncute Tomboy dislocates the JAW of The Eternally Lost Boy! She must have gotten a boost from her radiating anger that is radiating like radioactive material!"

*Crash* Ryoga fell to the ground.

"Amazing! She knocked him TO… THE… GROU-NNND! Unbelievable! Ladies and gentlemen, The Eternally Lost Boy is down!"

*CRACK*

"Ooh, there goes The ELB's right shoulder!"

Ryoga screamed in pain.

*Crack*

"Ooh…"

*Crack*

"Ahh…"

*Crack*

"I don't care _what_ dojo you're from, that's gotta hurt!"

*Crack CraCK Crackitty Crack crack CRACK*

"There goes his ribs! The eternally Lost Boy is taking a beating of a lifetime!"

*Crack, Crack, CRACK*

"Ooh hoo HOO! There goes the feeling in THAT arm!"

*Crack cRaCK SNAP!*

"WHOA! The Tomboy has broken The Eternally Lost Boy's fibula!"

*Snap SNAp SNAP!*

"She's breaking bones like a madwoman!"

*Snap snapp snappity SNAP!*

"That's a lot of broken bones… The screams are downed out by the noise!"

*Snap*

*Snap*

***OH &*%# SNAP!***

"INCONCEIVABLE! SHE BROKE HIS FEMUR! THAT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE!"

*Snap… snap… crack*

"The battered, bloodied and unmoving Lost Boy may not survive much longer, folks… What's this?"

*Boom stomp stomp stompitty STOMP!*

"Now that's just cruel right there, folks, as she stomps on The Lost Boy's jewels that may have been lost…"

*Stomp stomp STOMP!*

"He's unconscious now, that's for sure…"

*Stomp… **STOMP**.*

"It's… it's OVER! The fight is OVER! The Uncute Tomboy has won and is walking away… But ReAlly, are any of us surprised? The Lost Boy wouldn't put up a defense and you knew, didn't you? Too bad for him… Oh, wait! His toe twitched! The ETERNALLY LOST BOY IS ALIVE! Not that he'll be moving anytime soon."

The music ends and the screen fades slowly to black…

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Ranma was drinking water when Akane came by, stomping and muttering under her breath.

"Whoa, aren't YOU in a bad mood…" Ranma commented, causing Akane to punch him as she walked by.

*Woosh* Of course, she didn't connect the punch, not that Akane cared as she headed for the dojo.

"Ha! Missed me!" Ranma gloated.

*Splash* forgetting that moving his arm caused the water to fly right at him.

A now female Ranma frowned and sighed.

"Of course…" Ranma groaned and went to the bathroom.

'3-2-1…' Nabiki counted on her fingers as she ate potato chips.

"AHHHHHHH!" Ranma screamed. "**WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU**!"

Ryoga's twitching toe was the only sign that he was still alive.

Kasumi walked by and said, "Oh My!" And left, still smiling.

Ranma blinked. "What was that about?"

Nabiki poked her head in. "I dunno… Hey, is Ryoga alive? Because I have a lifetime's worth of spam on the line that Akane didn't kill him…"

Ranma kicked Ryoga. "I think so… He's tough, that's for sure…"

Nabiki nodded in agreement… eating a potato chip.

*Star Wars Credits Theme started*

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**Author's notes:** this was on AA until it got deleted last year… so sad. So very, very sad… oh well, it was spam anyway… YAY SPAM! Poor Ryoga... but oh well. This is just what would happen if Akane found out. Sure, others have done it before, but this one is more for humor and not blaming Ranma or pairing up with Ukyo for no reason. Speaking of… Vote now for PAIRINGZ! I, The Text Command you! See you next time when you visit the cabinet of spamfics! ^_^


	7. Ranma eats waffles

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** people are starting to like these. THE WORLD IZ DOOMED!

**Spam:** this is spam. Spam I am. I do not like making sense cuz I'm spam.

You have been warned…

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**Spamfic 007: RANMA EATS WAFFLES!**

Ranma was sitting at the table, going over his evil plan to troll Ryoga… OK, it wasn't THAT evil… to non-trollers.

Unfortunately for Ranma, Akane was making breakfast and everyone else was gone.

Ranma groaned as he remembered his father's plan for them all to leave in the middle of the night so that he would be alone with Akane in the house.

The pigtailed boy was thinking of fleeing when Akane appeared.

"Guess who made WAFFLES!" Akane smiled, sticking her tongue out and smiling like a Japanese person… you know, like this… ^_^

"I'm not going to eat-" Ranma was cut off in his complaint by Akane.

"WHAHH! AHHHYAHAHAAHH!" Akane screeched.

Ranma waved his arms dramaticly. "ENOUGH! I will try some already!"

The poor, unfortunate soul took a forkful of waffle and ate it!

Ranma chewed slowly, half expecting to fall over.

Akane sat down and watched Ranma with great enthusiasm.

"Well…" Ranma managed after swallowing, "they don't seem to making me sick…"

Akane was overjoyed by the revelation.

'You know, this actually might be a good way to build a tolerance to Akane's FILTHY FOOD!' Ranma turned towards Akane. "OK, Akane, I will try-"

Akane cut him off with a gleeful screech and left for the kitchen.

Ranma blinked. "And as soon as I'm done with these _waffles_, I shall get going on my evil plan…"

Akane came back with more huge plates of waffles.

Ranma ate a whole waffle. "Hey, these aren't bad. What's in them?

Akane smiles and raises her arms. "There's waffle in 'em!"

Ranma gives Akane the pointy finger. "YOU'RE LYING!"

The blue-haired girl narrowed her eyes. "What do you mean by that?"

"YOU," Ranma emphasized, "made THIS by yourself without the other stuff you usually put in there or even life water?"

Akane crossed her arms. "You make it seem like my cooking is terrible…"

Ranma exploded. "IT IS!"

"Fine! I'll prove it to you!" Akane left for the kitchen again in a huff.

Ranma stared at the waffles closely, not seeing anything… weird.

'Heck, they even LOOK like waffles…' Ranma grew suspicious.

Akane came back with a waffle mix box and shoved it in Ranma's face.

It said 'WAFFLE MIX' and had a photo of dogsuit Gir.

"And you followed the directions?" Ranma asked in shock.

"Yes!" Akane snarled defensively. "I mean… not really… no… I added cinnamon and strawberries…"

Ranma's heart skipped a beat. "That… was close…"

"Just eat, Ranma!" Akane growled.

"That's what I'm doing!" Ranma yelled.

Ranma ate the waffles.

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Nabiki sat down in shock as she watched Ranma eat the waffles from her hotel room.

The monitor in front of her depicted Ranma eating waffles and Akane bragging.

"It's… not possible…" Nabiki said aloud.

"Not _probable_…" Ryoga said as he walked across the room.

Nabiki glared at him.

"…" Ryoga blinked. "What?"

"How the hell did you get in here?" Nabiki demanded.

Ryoga shrugged. "I was just trying to find the bathroom in this hospital…"

"This is a hotel!" Nabiki rubbed her temples. "Whatever, just leave."

"Fine, fine…" Ryoga walked away.

Nabiki stared blankly at the screen.

~"I'm just surprised is all…"~ Ranma rubbed the back of his head on the camera.

"You're not the only one…" Nabiki muttered.

Akane ate the waffles as well and the duo looked like a happy couple.

"Hey, Nabiki, where's the door?" Ryoga asked as he wandered around the room.

Nabiki sighed. "Just jump out the window."

Ryoga snapped his fingers. "Great idea, thanks."

And so, the lost boy jumped out the window.

~"Hey, Akane…"~ Ranma munched on waffles. ~"I'm going to mess with Ryoga. You want in?"~

Akane growled. ~"Stop picking on poor Ryoga! He's done nothing!"~

Ranma blinked. ~"What about that thing he did a while ago, the reason why Ryoga is in the hospital in the first place?"~

~"What do you mean?"~ Akane asked, raising her eyebrow.

"Beating him up, of course." Nabiki rolled her eyes.

~"Oh, come on, Akane, it was in the last spamfic!"~ Ranma waved his arms wildly. ~"You know, when you found out that Ryoga was P-chan all along!"~

~"No! You lie! YOU LIIIEEE!"~ Akane windmilled her arms.

Nabik's mouth hung open. "Seriously?"

Ranma facefaulted.

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Later… at the hospital…

"Ohh, Ryoga…" Ranma spoke sweetly in her disguise, "I've come for… Oh, great. Where is he?"

The girl dressed as a nurse sighed.

Suddenly, Ryoga appeared.

"Excuse me, miss…. where's the bathroom?" Ryoga asked as he walked into the room.

Ranma giggled. "I'll show you, Mr. Hibiki… My, my… you've healed fast…"

Ryoga rubbed the back of his head. "Well… yeah… I am a fast healer… heh, heh…"

"Here you go… *giggle* I'll wait here to take you back…" Ranma opened the door for him.

"Thank you… but… I'm actually all feeling better now… so…" Ryoga twiddled his thumbs. "I'll be leaving afterwards."

Fake nurse Ranma frowned. "But won't you miss me?"

Ranma brought attention to her body and bit a handkerchief sadly.

The lost boy freaked out. "I… but… you…"

Ryoga put a hand to his nose.

"I take that as a yes. Now, in you go!" Ranma pushed Ryoga into the bathroom.

Arms crossed and a smirk on her face, Ranma counted down on her fingers. 'Three… two… one…'

Suddenly, a bunch of female screams were heard inside the bathroom.

Ranma laughed to herself as Ryoga was beaten up in the women's restroom.

Unfortunately for Ryoga, the injuries kept him in the hospital until the next spamfic.

As Ryoga lay on the bed, bones broken all over, he at least had some good news.

Every day Akane would come in and gave him waffles.

"Om nom nom nom…" Ryoga ate up Akane's waffles.

Too bad Ranma came by every day as well…

"Hey, man. How are you doing?" Ranma sat at the bed and ate Ryoga's waffles.

"RANMA!" Ryoga yelled as the two fought over the food.

*Splash*

Ranma groaned as he turned into a she.

"Sorry, Ranma." Nabiki smirked, bucket in hand. "You have to be a girl at the end of spamfics… Ooh, waffles!"

And so they ate waffles. But especially Ranma.

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**Author's notes:** I AM ZIM! Nah, I'm just the Text. Happy 19th of August! Yay!

Oh, and the poll is now closed...

The winner is...

Not Yoiko.

Not Nabiki.

Not Shampoo.

Not Kodachi.

Not Ukyo.

Down to two... Ranko... or Kasumi...

Your fic for the new years 2013 is by a final of 7-6... Kasumi!

Yay! Now eat waffles. The Text commands you!


	8. LimoPet

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** attempting the stunts in this spamfic is stupid and dangerous. I am ze Text, listen to me!

**Spam:** level is over 9000! Words. Yep.

You have been warned…

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**Spam the 8th: Limo-Pet!**

Kodachi Kuno is a rich girl. A rich girl from a rich family that's rich. In fact, she is so rich that she lives in a castle-like mansion.

But none of this was enough to get Ranma Saotome, her love, even to LIKE her.

"It's finally here! Oh ho ho hoho!" Kodachi laughed.

That is why she bought something that would maybe, probably, most likely, sorta change his mind… (Yeah, right.)

"Now… my new pet… RISE!" Kodachi spoke dramatically.

A giant box opened to show a black limousine.

*BEEP, BEEP!* the limo beeped affectionately.

"Oh ho ho hoho!" Kodachi laughed as she jumped in, her upper body sticking out through the sunroof.

The limo beeped in appreciation; its superdeformed body was animated.

"Ride, my pet! Ride towards my darling Ranma! Oh ho ho hoho!" Kodachi commanded.

The limo beeped happily and drove off, riding on the rooftops.

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Ranma was walking on the fence, being nonchalant, when he heard a song… a song sung by little kids.

"It's a Limo… it's a pet! It's a Limo-Pet! *BEEP, Beep*!" the song sang.

"What the…?" Ranma turned around to see Kodachi sticking out of a limo, riding on the rooftops.

"There he is!" Kodachi pointed Ranma out. "… Get him."

The limo beeped in agreement and sped up towards Ranma.

"AHHHH!" Ranma turned and ran away.

"Come back here, Ranma-darling! Oh ho ho hoho!" Kodachi called out.

Ranma fled as fast as he could and hid behind a building.

'What the hell is THAT?' Ranma thought.

As he caught his breath, he heard singing again.

"It's a limo… it's a pet! Ride in my, show off my… Limo-Pet!" the children sang as it came closer and closer to him.

Suddenly…

*BEEP! BEEP!* the limo beeped right behind him.

"ALRIGHT! TIME OUT!" Ranma shouted at Kodachi and her limo. "WHAT… THE… HELL... IS... **THAT**?!"

Kodachi blinked-blinked. "Why, my dear Ranma-darling… this is my new pet. It's a Limo-Pet! Oh ho ho hoho!"

Ranma sweatdropped. "I can see that… but… WHY?!"

Kodachi smiled evilly. "Isn't it obvious?"

Ranma rolled his eyes. "No."

Kodachi laughed to herself. "Oh, you…"

The two Japanese teenagers stood there… along with the Limo-Pet… for a moment or two.

"Uh… OK, bye!" Ranma threw his hands into the air and left.

"Huh? Come back, Ranma-sama-san-senpai-kun!" Kodachi spoke very fast.

"WHAT?" Ranma was very confused.

Kodachi shrugged. "I can say that now because of Lucky Star and LittleKuriboh."

Ranma blinked. "No… you can't… This spamfic is in English…"

Kodachi crossed her arms. "Oh, so -chan is acceptable, but not the others?"

Ranma shrugged. "Akane said it in the translation… 'P-chan.'"

"Ooh… right…" Kodachi tapped her lips in thought.

Ranma took this opportunity to walk away.

"Hmmm… you make a very valid point, but… HEY! Arrg! He ran away…" Kodachi sighed.

*Beep* her pet beeped in a way to try to cheer her up.

"Let's go home, pet… I need a plan…" Kodachi said sadly.

And so they did, the theme song playing slower and sadder.

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The next day, Kodachi got herself ready to find out a better way to appeal to Ranma. She knew that Ranma didn't love her, but she would change that! (Ha!)

"I hope senpai will notice me…" Kodachi said to her Limo-Pet, make-up on and eyes huge. "… Screw this, I'll just kidnap him. Onward, my pet! Oh ho ho hoho!"

The theme song started again.

"It's a limo… it's a pet! It's a Limo-Pet!" the kids sang from the limo, but since it was a CD, no kids were there…

Kodachi scoured the area to find Ranma, making a lot of noise and being an obnoxious rich girl.

What she found instead was Nabiki… eating a banana.

"Ah, look, it's the greedy Tendo girl… Tell me where my Ranma darling is!" Kodachi demanded.

Nabiki, who was eating the banana in a sexually suggestive way, held out her hand.

Kodachi frowned. "Tell me, Tendo! Or face the wrath of my limo!"

Nabiki tilted her head and stared at the limo, which, despite having no facial features, seemed happy.

*Beep, beep* it beeped.

Nabiki finished her banana and swallowed. "Pay up or I won't tell you."

Kodachi crossed her arms. "And who are YOU to tell ME, Kodachi Kuno, the Black Rose, to pay for information?"

"I have a photo of Ranma," Nabiki said.

Kodachi shrugged. "You've sold me a ton of Ranma items. I won't be swayed that easily."

Nabiki rubbed her chin. "True… I forgot that… So has most of the school…"

"Those idiots," Kodachi scoffed.

Nabiki thought it over. "I'll get you a pair of his boxers and you'll let me ride in your limo."

Kodachi's eyes widened. "It's a deal!"

Nabiki smirked. "Oh, and Ranma is in the ice cream shop."

*Crash* Kodachi had her limo go right through the wall.

"Ranma-darling! I have come for you! I… wait… YOU!" Kodachi gave female Ranma the pointy finger. "What have you done with my Ranma-sama-senpai-sama-san-sama-kun?!"

Ranma rolled her eyes as she ate ice cream. "You wouldn't believe me if I told you. I'm outta here."

With that, Ranma left the building.

"…" Kodachi grumbled.

"Hey! What's the big idea breaking down my walls?!" the ice cream manager complained.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, peasant," Kodachi replied. "Come, my Limo-Pet."

"It's a limo… it's a pet! Ride in my, show off my Limo-Pet!" the song sang as Kodachi left, riding off into the sunset even though it wasn't anywhere near that time.

"Weird…" Nabiki noted and shrugged.

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**Author's notes:** you are right, Nabiki, it is weird… oh well, I'm the Text, buy a Limo-Pet!

**Authour's notes:** whee hee! Hi there! I came up with this when I passed by a limo while singing the Pillow Pet song… so… Limo-Pet! It's awesome! Whooo!


	9. Nabiki has her Scrooge face on

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** spam does not equal good substitute for turkey on Christmas. Nuh uh.

**Caution:** if you see your old business partner who has been dead for 7 years trying to tell you that you're evil, it would be a good idea to change your ways…

**Spam:** available wherever fake ham is sold.

**Happy Holiday Inn:** everyone! From the Text!

You have been warned…

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**9 Spams a Spamming: Nabiki got her Scrooge face on**

Mrs. Tendo was dead, dead as a Batman's parents or Uncle Ben. And she has been for ten long years.

Her middle-est daughter, Nabiki, mourned her passing every year, secretly.

It was Christmas eve, and Nabiki had herself a business selling things and blackmailing people working out of a tiny, damaged building covered in snow.

Currently, her best customer was finishing up spending money.

"And that's it for today Kuno baby, thanks for your money." Nabiki smiled as she finished selling photos to Kuno.

"Thoust a mean one, Nabiki Tendo." Kuno frowned and left.

Nabiki shrugged and counted her money.

"So despicable…" Ranma sighed in disgust from his chair in the back. "It's bad enough you're selling photos of me, why do I have to help as well?!"

Nabiki tapped her lips in fake thought. "Oh, I don't know, it MIGHT be because I have evidence of you kissing Shampoo…"

"SHE kissed ME!" Ranma complained. "And you KNOW that because YOU took the photo!"

Nabiki blinked. "And your point is?"

Ranma grumbled and did mindless paperwork.

"Hey Ranma, what do you think, should you pose in a bikini or a Santa suit?" Nabiki asked smirking.

Ranma banged his head on his tiny desk. "I hate you."

"I know." Nabiki smiled.

*Ding ding dingding* went the bell of Nabiki's tiny, cold shop.

"Hello? Nabiki?" Sayuri asked as she came into the shop. "Yuka and I… well… you see…"

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "GO OoOon…"

"Um…" Sayuri gulped. "Yuka…"

Yuka spoke up. "We'd like to ask you for a donation for the school, we don't have any heating anymore."

Nabiki shakily put down her monocle that she had on and took off her top hat. "Please, shut the door… Ranma…"

Ranma did so, wisely putting himself on the outside of the door.

*Clunk* went the door closing.

"What the FREAKING HELL!" Nabiki pounded her desk. "WHY doesn't the school have HEATING?!"

"Nabiki, the Principal is being cheap again-" Sayuri answered fast.

"THIS IS **OUTRAGOUS**!" Nabiki knocked a cup of pencils off her desk. "IT'S STUPID!"

Sayuri and Yuka gulped.

"How am I supposed to do my schoolwork when its freezing inside?! HUH? HUH!" Nabiki growled. "THAT CHEAPSKAKE!"

Ranma heard a muffled Nabiki yell as he rubbed his forehead. 'Don't worry… be happy…'

"He expects US to pay for it…" Nabiki sat back down, swearing. "For **US** to pay for it, when he's swimming in a pool of money. I'm telling you, that guy is CRAZY I TELL YOU! And just to think, we finally got the heaters in the first place… "

Sayuri and Yuka looked at each other fearfully.

Nabiki looked up. "Go and tell Kuno this… tell him to pay for it or I will freeze… say that there will be no more photos until its back on… got it?"

Both of them nodded.

"I'm not paying one yen into that…" Nabiki looked away in disgust.

"What if Kuno says no?" Yuka asked.

Nabiki shrugged. "Then you'll all freeze to death. I'm staying home if that happens."

"Not even a little bit?" Sayuri asked. "You can actually pay for it… maybe…"

"NO!" Nabiki scowled. "Get out."

"But!" Yuka piped up.

"GET OUT!" Nabiki pounded her desk.

"…" Both of them backed out of the building. "Merry Christmas Nabiki…"

"Depends, do I get a present from you?" Nabiki crossed her arms.

"…" Yuka hesitated. "Uh… no."

"Then no. Bye!" Nabiki pointed to the door, eyes cold.

The two left in a flash.

"Jeeze Nabiki, what was that about?" Ranma asked as he walked back in.

"They wanted me to… to… BLEAH… GIVE away money…" Nabiki shivered. "So sickening…"

"Huh?" Ranma scratched his head. "What for?"

Nabiki shuddered. "Heating the school. Now back to work! There's still a ton of paperwork to do."

Ranma groaned.

That's when Akane came in through the door. "Nabiki! Sis, merry Christmas!"

"Merry Christmas sis." Nabiki smiled. "Did you get my present yet?"

Akane sighed. "Hey Ranma… what are you doing here?"

Ranma played with his pigtail. "Well… you see…"

"He owes me… BIG time." Nabiki smirked.

Akane shook her head. "Well, it's getting dark. We should go home now… and RANMA still needs to go buy his presents for people… not that I would want one or anything…"

Nabiki laughed. "Sure… ok, I'm going… can't wait for big Sis's cooking…"

Ranma sighed and started to leave.

"Hold up, where are YOU going Saotome?" Nabiki narrowed her eyes. "All that work is still unfinished."

Ranma slumped. "But that is like 3 days worth!"

"…" Nabiki blinked. "So? Get back to work!"

"NABIKI!" Akane yelled. "That's mean! Besides, auntie wouldn't like it if Ranma missed out for Christmas!"

Nabiki shrugged. "Your problem, not mine."

Ranma grit his teeth. "That's it, bye!"

As Ranma left Nabiki smirked. "Hey sis, guess what I got photos of…"

Ranma quickly got back into the building. "DON'T YOU DARE!"

Akane was now curious. "What? What is it?"

"NOTHING!" Ranma laughed nervously. "Nothing, just some… stupid… thing…"

Akane frowned. "Sis, what is it?"

Nabiki's grin grew wider. "Oh just a little thing of Ranma…."

"EMBERRASSING NAKED PHOTOS!" Ranma said suddenly.

"…" Akane was stunned silent.

"…" Ranma looked away.

"… sure, lets go with that…" Nabiki shrugged. "Bye Ranma, see you on the 26th!"

"What?" Ranma's eye twitched. "What about tomorrow?"

Nabiki laughed. "I can't stay here tomorrow, I got a life!"

Akane shook her head. "Come on Ranma, let's go home."

The middle-est Tendo sighed. "Fine, fine, you are free to go… but you owe me double now."

Ranma sighed in relief.

"Ranma kissed Shampoo, look, see?" Nabiki said suddenly.

"**RANMA!"** Akane pounded the pigtailed lad.

Nabiki laughed.

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"Goodnight everybody!" Nabiki smiled as she entered her room. "Hope you got me something good this year!"

With a grin on her face, Nabiki took out a giant lollipop that she stole from her younger sister.

She enjoyed the lollipop, licking it while chuckling evilly.

"Ah, this brings back memories…" Nabiki laughed. "Good times… GOOD times…"

Suddenly, the room filled with smoke, so much so that you couldn't see anything in the room.

Nabiki looked; an eyebrow raised, but continued eating her stolen treat.

"Nabiki…" A voice echoed throughout the room. "Nabiki…"

Said girl rolled her eyes. "Yeah, what do you want?"

Suddenly, appearing from the smoke was a woman, a woman dressed in white with short blue hair…

Nabiki sighed. "Akane, trying to go all Christmas Carol on me won't work."

"I hope that isn't true, daughter." The woman shook her head sadly.

"…" Nabiki tilted her head. "Seriously Saotome, it didn't work with Happosai, it won't work with me."

"Oh, I was afraid of this…" The woman looked sad. "Do you not believe in ghosts, daughter?"

The youngest Tendo rolled her eyes. "Well, duh. To not believe in these things would be really stupid after everything else that happens here."

"…" The woman was momentarily stunned. "Then will you listen to me?"

Nabiki shook her head. "Get out of here Akane, dressing up as Mom just to scare me is low."

"Oh poor, misguided daughter… Nabiki dear, you will be haunted by three ghosts. Hopefully you will learn from your mistakes and become a better person…" The woman faded away.

"…" Nabiki narrowed her eyes. "It's supposed to be spirits! Whatever, bring it on Ranma!"

But nothing happened other than the fog fading away.

With a shrug, Nabiki finished her lollipop and climbed into bed, dreaming about what she would get from the others.

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"Mmm… no, you shouldn't have…" Nabiki mumbled in her sleep. "That isn't nearly enough…"

Suddenly, the bed shook and Nabiki fell out.

"Damn it Saotome, it's too early…" The middle-est Tendo complained.

That's when she noticed that there were flames in her room… and there was also a CAR!

"What the?" Nabiki rubbed her eyes. "Who left THIS here?"

{Great Scott!} A voice came from inside the car, speaking in English. {This isn't right! There's no possible way for the year to be like this! Gage must be broken…}

Nabiki shook her head and got up. "I need my sleep. AKANE! Get rid of this car!"

The car opened up to reveal an old man with wild crazy hair in a labcoat.

{Oh, THERE you are!} The man looked at Nabiki. {Come on, we don't have time for lying around!}

{What's going on here? Why are you in my room?!}Nabiki yelled in English.

{Doctor Emmet Brown, and I have a job to do here. So hurry up and get in!} Doc answered.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. {And what is this job? I'm not going anywhere you know.}

{I'm here to take you to see your past Christmases… it pays some bills…} Doc shrugged.

{Riiiigggghhhttt…} Nabiki rolled her eyes. {I'm going to bed now.}

Suddenly, Nabiki found herself in the passenger seat of the Delorian.

"HEY!" Nabiki yelled in annoyance. {GET ME OUT OF THIS THING!}

Doc got back in the car and started it up. {When this reaches 88mph, you will see some serious shit!}

Suddenly, the car flew out of Nabiki's bedroom into the sky.

"TRAVELING BACK IN TIME! ARE YOU CRAZY!?" NAbiki's screams went unheard as the time travelling flying car zoomed into the past, leaving twin trails of flames behind it.

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The Delorian came to a stop inside the Tendo dojo in a flash, screeching to a halt.

{Here we are, the first stop, Christmas 1976… that doesn't seem right…} Doc scratched his head.

Nabiki was ejected out of the car and landed right on her face.

"YOU'LL PAY FOR THIS!" Nabiki yelled as she got up, only to gasp at the sight.

"Open it Akane!" A voice of a woman echoed through the dojo.

"MOM?" Nabiki's eyes widened.

{I guess it is right after all…} Doc mumbled. {Still doesn't explain the time differences not adding up at all…}

"… Mom…" Nabiki's body shook as she saw her mother there, Akane in her lap.

Chibi past Nabiki sat there quietly, Christmas dress on.

"YAY!" Akane opened up her present, revealing a tiny her sized martial arts gi.

"This… this was…" Nabiki fell to her knees, eyes watering.

"Here, Akane put the trash here…" chibi Kasumi instructed.

"Yes Big Sister." Akane said as she did so. "Can I put it on Moma?"

Her mother nodded and tiny Akane ran off.

Soun hugged his wife and smiled.

Doc got out and walked up to her. {Don't worry, we cannot be seen, touched, or heard. After messing with the past too much, I made some adjustments, much safer this way.}

"No… NO GET ME OUT OF HERE NOW!" Nabiki demanded of the Doctor.

Doc looked at his watch. {No can do, you have another two minutes here. This is intended to be life changing you know.}

"Nabiki, want candy?" Tiny Kasumi asked.

Chibi Nabiki nodded and followed her sister out of the Dojo.

"GET ME OUT OF HERE RIGHT NOW!" Nabiki screeched, heart racing.

Chibi Nabiki was just outside the dojo when her mother spoke.

"Soun… when do we tell them? About…" She said softly.

Chibi Nabiki stopped and hung around right outside the dojo.

Nabiki ran over to the delorian, trying to open the door to no avail.

"I… I don't know when… what did the doctor say?" Soun asked, worry on his face.

"Its… the doctor informed me… I…" Her mother cried. "It's too late for any treatment…"

Chibi Nabiki tilted her head as she listened in. Her future counterpart threw a fit.

"That's… that's bad news… yes…" Soun gulped. "I was afraid of that…"

"Dear… they've given me 3 months to live at best…" The Tendo mother explained. "I… don't know what to tell them…"

Nabiki stormed out of the dojo, smoldering with rage… and crying just like her young counterpart.

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The next jump was quiet as Nabiki sat in the DeLorean with her arms crossed, looking out the window. Doc didn't say anything either. He didn't want to cause a screamfest.

With a screech, the Delorean time machine skidded into its next destination. It was a cemetery, a painfully familiar one for Nabiki. A familiar though younger group gathered in the snow.

Nabiki scowled as they landed and glared at Doc. {No. No, not here. NO, NO! I am NOT doing it!}

Doc sighed as he pressed a button, causing Nabiki to fly out into the snow. {Christmas 1977. I am sorry.}

Nabiki's head popped up as she took in the scene in front of her. Chibi Nabiki wore an emotionless mask, standing partly away from the others. Akane had a Star Wars shirt on and carried a colorful cardboard box with photos of Star Wars toys on it. Kasumi wore all black and had a cookbook in her hands. Soun's tears were frozen.

"See them, Moma? I'm gonna get you one. I promise." Akane showed the box to the grave. "An Obi-Wan one… Cuz you are my Obi-Wan…"

Soun cried harder at that.

Nabiki pounded the ground, cursing silently. 'It was the last movie she saw… The last damn movie! And Akane is… HGNNNGGG!'

The middlest Tendo curled up in a ball, not able to take it anymore.

Doc watched on from his time machine as Nabiki had her moment. 'It is painful, but it will work. I hope.'

Nabiki lay in the snow well after her past family had left. Doc got out and helped her up.

{Come, there is nothing more to see here,} Doc stated.

Nabiki nodded and got up, hurrying back towards the vehicle.

She almost made it when she heard her younger self cry out.

{Hold on. More stuff.} Doc forced her to turn around and Nabiki saw her past self hugging the headstone, crying pitifully.

"It's all my fault, isn't it, Mommy?!" Chibi Nabiki sobbed. "I wasn't good enough! I tried, Mommy! I tried! But I didn't get enough money! I asked, I stole, I even sold things… But it wasn't enough! Please, I'll do anything! Please just come back! I'll be a good girl! No, the best girl in the history of girls! Just please come back! Please, Mommy, please!"

Nabiki held her head in her hands, struggling and failing to hold back her tears.

Chibi Nabiki took out a piece of paper with a wish on it and tore it to pieces in anger. "THEY LIED! THEY LIED TO ME! THEY SAID IT WOULD GRANT A WISH! THEY PROMISED! A HUNDRED YEN OF LIES! IT'S BEEN MONTHS! MONTHS!"

Nabiki collapsed and was comforted by Doc. She bawled just like her past self.

Chibi Nabiki knelt at the tombstone and clenched her fists. "You can't rely on anyone but yourself… I will bring you back, Mommy. I will get the money… somehow."

With that, Chibi Nabiki ran back home.

Nabiki was carried into the car and strapped in. She pulled her shirt over her legs and pulled her head down like a turtle. 'Damn you… I tried really, really hard to forget all these things…'

Not able to make eye contact, Doc flew through the air onward towards the next destination.

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Doc frowned at the sight before him. They were back in Nabiki's room and Nabiki was talking to Ranma. 'It doesn't make any sense. 1993? No, it can't be…'

But it was, and Nabiki looked upon her past self with a sigh. "Great, this one…"

"Would I do a thing like that?" Nabiki got out her wallet. "And here we are practically family already. If you need help all you have to do is ask me."

Nabiki handed Ranma 5000 yen.

"Gee, thanks Nabiki." Ranma smiled and accepted the money. "And let's keep this our little secret, huh?"

"Of course, it's not like you can tell Akane that you borrowed money from me to pay for her present now is it?" Nabiki winked.

Ranma walked out of the room. "Ok, it's a deal then."

"Remember any time now." Nabiki waved with a smirk. "Bye."

The Nabiki from the future was somber. {So long ago… yet so recent…}

Doc raised an eyebrow. {About that…}

{Do you know anything about it?!} Nabiki turned and glared at him, making a demon head just like her father.

Doc shook his head quickly and backed up, terrified at the sight.

{Then SHUT UP!} Nabiki roared. {I haven't aged, haven't moved on in YEARS! Here I was nice yes, tried it once, got bored, made a profit anyway with Ranma because he attracts girls to him so damn well! I do my best to forget this, forget that I should be twice as old at least! To have made my mark on the world, to rule it and profit from it! But somehow, for some dammed reason I've been 17 going on 18 since the 80's! Unless you know some way to fix this, LEAVE ME BE!}

Doc was hiding in the delorian, realizing that he was way over his head.

{I have no time to play your stupid, pathetic, useless, Christmas Carol games!} Nabiki punched the Delorian and the world went bright white.

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Nabiki jolted awake, seething as her hand hit the wall. She bit her lip to keep from screaming in pain. Her eyes happened to find the alarm clock.

'One, huh? Figures.' Nabiki grumbled.

She sucked her hand, tears watering up in her eyes.

That's when she heard a sound that she both hoped for and feared…

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**Author's notes:** wow. Harsh Nabiki... Anyway I'm back! Yay text! The computer has been broken for months, sorry. So this took forever. Happy Christmas people! Hopefully Noy can post more soon. Hopefully... Until then, have faith! the Text loves you!


	10. Nabiki still has her Scrooge face on

Noy's Spam Cabinet of Spamfics

~Noy Telinú~

**Warning:** if you're easily offended by fan made things, then how did you get this far? Seriously. How? Are you a masochist? O_o

**Spam:** is sold by the can. Or 4cans in one. Although it is small, it isn't really -chan. Except maybe in Japan.

You have been warned.

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**On the 10th day of spammas my spam spam spam spam: Nabiki still got her Scrooge face on**

'I know that sound! I know that sound!' Nabiki's thoughts raced. 'But that's… If he…'

The sounds stopped.

Nabiki ran outside and her jaw dropped. "It's… It can't…"

Out there on the white snow was a box. Made for police. Blue in color, or was it colour?

Out stepped a man, dressed quite fancy. Alone was he. All bitter and… Sweary.

"Fu£kity hi," The Doctor greeted, arms crossed and a scowl on his face.

Nabiki blinked and glanced up at the words that froze in the air, for it was that cold. "'£'? And what is with that narration…? Never mind, you can't really be him. Nope. Nuh uh. No way they'd let YOU past the censors."

"Shows what you know, bloody fu£king Japanese dog," The Doctor snarled.

Nabiki sweatdropped and that sweat froze in a flash. "What. The. Hell? I finally meet you and not only are you crazy old, you're swearing! The Doctor can't swear!"

"In a way I'm not. But in this universe I can do it all I like! Bah!" The Doctor stepped forward. "Come on, let's get this over with."

"Wait, so you're… Christmas Present?" Nabiki's eye twitched.

"For the year of 2014 anyway, my lost '80s teenage girl." The Doctor shuddered as he glanced around. "Fu£king universe and its no-good, slimy floating timeline. Can't get its bloody act in order."

"Wait, wait, wait. Timeline floating?" Nabiki blinked, a giant question mark appearing over her head.

"We fu£king time traveled, yes!" The Doctor answered.

"Stop swearing! You're always getting this… Thing!" Nabiki pointed to the £ sign. "You get censored here! So stop it! It's driving my head crazy and you… YOU are not the real Doctor. You can't be!"

The Doctor sighed. "At times like this I miss Amy…"

"Well, I miss growing up!" Nabiki yelled. "So if you really are who you say you are, screw the rules because duh, Doctor, fix it!"

"Can't. Won't." The Doctor shook his head. "Never mind it and let's get this bloody thing over with."

"No. Nuh uh." Nabiki shook her head. "I don't care who you are or what species you didn't destroy by cheating, you fix this universe now! NOW! I ORDER YOU TO-"

*Slap*

Nabiki spun and fell to the snow, dazed.

"Fu£kity bye." The Doctor walked off.

Nabiki shook her head clear and sat up. "Hey! Wait up!"

She caught up to him as he was halfway down the street.

"Why are you… But you're… I… THE FUC-" Nabiki was cut off.

"Kill the additude or I'll be sending you to hell personally," The Doctor warned. "Now, look in here and tell me what you see."

Nabiki growled but looked in the window. "Nothing. It's dark."

"Exactly! It's Christmas Day, early morning. The sun hasn't come up yet. Did you expect little children frolicking and laughing?" The Doctor snorted.

"Actually…" Nabiki frowned.

"Well, it ain't happening here. Learn a lesson? No? Too bad! The universe doesn't revolve around you," The Doctor sneered.

"Hey!" Nabiki screamed. "You can't treat me like this! I DESERVE -"

*Whack*

Nabiki found herself on the snowy ground again, giant welt on the back of her head.

The Doctor shook his head. "Oh, have I not treated you well enough? Want special treatment, human?"

"Just because you Lord over Time doesn't mean you have to be such a jerk about it," Nabiki growled as she got back up. "Now apologize! Apologize for the swearing and the hitting and the being a terrible person!"

"Oh, is that right?" The Doctor smirked. "Call the kettle black one more time. I dare you. You've been treating others far worse than I have treated you today."

"YOU HIT ME!" Nabiki yelled.

"Aw, let me get out my smallest violin so I may play you a tune, that was so sad. If you were a nicer person I might actually feel sorry for you. But I don't. I honestly don't." The Doctor turned to leave. "Now excuse me. I have a Clara to save. Maybe. I'm a bit confused. Time is a wibbly wobbly fu£kity wuckity thing."

"Like you're any better. Killer of his own species." Nabiki glared at his back.

"Time loophole," The Doctor replied.

"Oh, that's just cheating!" Nabiki complained. "Now fix this time nonsense so I can age and not have to still be in high school! Did you get that? Huh?! Or are you too damn old with your old… Oldness?!"

*Wham*

Nabiki was in the snow again as The Doctor walked back to the blue police box.

"Stop hitting me! You can't hit me! I'm a girl!" Nabiki screamed.

"No. You're sexist." The Doctor opened up the door to his TARDIS.

"You're a worse Doctor than the Sixth," Nabiki insulted, crossing her arms and grumbling in the snow.

"Oh, that's it. You've pushed it too far!" The Doctor turned to face Nabiki. "No one insults The Doctor besides ME! The DOCTOR!"

{DOC-TOR!} a robotic voice cried out in the darkness.

"Oh, shit on me, life." The Doctor facepalmed.

Nabiki's eyes widened. "Is that…?"

{DOC-TOR! IT IS THE DOC-TOR IT IS! IT IS! EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!} The Dalek came into view, screaming like mad.

"Oh, fu£k, it's a fu£king Dalek," The Doctor muttered.

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{WHAT?!} the Dalek screamed.

"Doctor?!" Nabiki was shaking in fear.

"Oi! Get out of this universe!" The Doctor ordered. "This is supposed to be… This human's intervention on why she sucks so much. Shoo!"

"Hey!" Nabiki growled.

{BUT YOU ARE THE DOC-TOR! YOU MUST BE EXTERMINATED!} the Dalek screamed, shaking back and forth.

"Then bloody well do it already, you bucket of bolts!" The Doctor growled. "All these centuries of just yelling! Oi, the yelling! Just get on with it already! My ears, you hurt my ears with your no-good, fu£king yelling! What do you want me to do? Wave my screwdriver around? Scream like a little girl? Huh? Huh?!"

{EXTERMINATE!} the Dalek fired at Nabiki.

"AHHHHHHHH!" Nabiki screamed like she'd never screamed before in her life.

*ZAP*

Nabiki glowed and fell over. Dead.

"Oh, look what you've done now! The fu£k! Kiss my balls, you fat, slimy fu£k! How is she supposed to learn about the future and the all-important life lessons…? You ruined a lot, didn't you?" The Doctor ranted and got in the TARDIS.

And so, to the sound of piano wire, he was gone.

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Nabiki vaulted awake in a cold sweat, panting like mad.

"I… I'm alive. And watching TV? What…?" Nabiki shivered and got up, turning off the television. "What a messed-up dream."

She shook her head and went to bed.

"Who left my curtain open?" Nabiki grumbled and went to close it when she happened to look outside. "AHHHHH!"

Outside her window was a Dalek, and an imprint in the snow from where a big blue box had sat.

"NO, NO, NO!" Nabiki fell on her butt, eyes wide open in terror.

Suddenly her door flew open and The Doctor stood in the doorway.

"Oh, there you are." The Doctor frowned. "Run."

Before Nabiki could respond, he was gone.

"Wait for me!" Nabiki screamed and ran after him.

She chased after him, so terrified she risked peeing her pants. He led her out of the main house and into the dojo.

"WHAT?!" Nabiki's jaw dropped at seeing the TARDIS inside the dojo.

"Just get in and -" The Doctor was cut off.

{EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!} the Dalek demanded.

The Doctor smirked. "Want a bedtime story with your biscuts and tea? Or is being in this universe too complicated for your pathetic brain in a box? I'm a Time Lord, Dalek. I don't have to explain."

"Wait, so how am I alive?" Nabiki frowned. "You… And the swearing…"

"I'd never swear in front of a lady. An evil lady, yes, but still." The Doctor frowned again. "Memory is still not in order…"

Nabiki's eye twitched. "So that means… You didn't smack me? At all? Or… WHAT?!"

"Must have been some false memories. Or alternate memories. Time travel and all." The Doctor shrugged.

"Whoa…" Nabiki fell down again, dazed and confused.

{BUT WHY AM I IN 2D!?} the Dalek demanded. {EXPLAIN! EXPLAIN!}

"No." The Doctor grabbed Nabiki and dragged her inside the TARDIS.

"Eeehhh?!" Nabiki sat there confused. "Is this still a dream? What about the past?! WHY IS THERE A DALEK HERE?!"

"Because this is the present," The Doctor replied, as if that explained everything.

"And won't that not hold or…?" Nabiki grabbed her head.

"Ah, I see. Universe jumping and time overlapping…" The Doctor nodded. "Well, good luck with that whole 'becoming a better person' thing."

"EHHHH?!" Nabiki's eyes went blank.

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Nabiki blinked and found herself looking out her window. Outside was nothing. No imprints. Nor Daleks. Nothing.

'That was just stupid.' Nabiki rubbed her head.

*Tap tap*

'Who dares tap me?!' Nabiki growled and turned around. "Oh, come ON!"

The Doctor was there, dressed as well as before, smiling. "Come. And know me better, woman."

"Oh, no. No. No. Nuh uh. Not after all that. Nope." Nabiki shook her head.

"What? Scared? Skittish? And miss out on Christmas?" The Doctor shook his head. "I don't bite. Just a new face. That's all."

Nabiki glanced back outside. "It's daytime already. This isn't a joke, right?"

"Christmas? A joke? I take my work very seriously." The Doctor frowned. "Twelfth Doctor, thirteenth new face! Well, fourteenth regeneration. I was a bit vain when I was younger. To be fair, I had that face for a decade at most, really."

"Screw this. I'm outta here." Nabiki left her room and went down the stairs to find everyone sitting around the table, laughing and cheering.

"Remember, you can't touch them," The Doctor reminded her.

"Hey!" Nabiki snapped. "What gives?!"

"See how happy they are without you?" The Doctor pointed out.

"This is supposed to be 'A Christmas Carol,' not 'It's a Wonderful Life'!" Nabiki yelled.

"Oh, but it's a fantastic plot." The Doctor nodded. "Besides, there isn't much singing, hmm?"

Nabiki shook her head. "No. Just felt like I lost a year of my life. Look! It's… It's 2014 now! I missed a whole year!"

"Yes, you have. Indeed." The Doctor nodded. "Most troubling. Well, you aren't aging, so that's a plus. Living forever is awesome, Nabiki. You and all the people you know have eternal life. Eternal youth. Most of them, anyway. And you can see me… Which is always a good thing, I'd say."

"But a whole year. Gone." Nabiki fell to her knees. "Fix it. Please!"

"Nope. Time's up. Come on." The Doctor grabbed Nabiki and left.

"Hey! Hey, wait!" Nabiki complained.

"Nope, out of time," The Doctor said.

"You can't be out of time! You're a Time Lord!" Nabiki growled.

"So I am. Ah, here we are. Right on time." The Doctor shoved Nabiki straight through the door of a house.

"What the-?!" Nabiki shivered as she passed through the door without damaging it. "Don't do that!"

"Shh!" The Doctor pointed over Nabiki's shoulder.

Nabiki turned around and saw a classmate of hers, depressed. "Oh. So this is…"

The Doctor put a finger to his lips.

"Why?" the student asked seemingly no one, tears forming in his eyes.

Nabiki rolled her eyes. "It's your own damn fault for falling for me. Do you believe this guy? There's a sucker born every minute…"

*Whack*

Nabiki found herself on the floor.

"HEY! You can't do that!" Nabiki yelled.

"Oh, shut up, you twit," The Doctor snarled. "Don't you care about this poor sap? At all?"

Nabiki shrugged. "Not even a little."

The Doctor frowned.

"What? Like I said, it's his fault for falling for me! Idiots. Everyone knows I bleed anyone who's that stupid dry," Nabiki grumbled and stood up.

"But don't you see?" The Doctor flailed his arms. "Look around!"

Nabiki blinked and glanced around the room. "What's your point?"

"Nothing. No lights or tree. Nothing. Nothing at all." The Doctor scowled.

"So what? Not everyone celebrates Christmas here. It's Japan, not London," Nabiki noted.

"You really are a wicked soul." The Doctor shook his head in disgust.

"Thanks. I try," Nabiki replied sarcastically.

"He doesn't even have heating! You cheapskate!" The Doctor complained.

"And this is my problem how?" Nabiki raised an eyebrow.

*Whack*

Nabiki fell to the floor again and The Doctor walked out of the house.

•••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••••

"Hey! You can't leave me in there!" Nabiki ran after the Doctor, complaining.

"I can do whatever I want." The Doctor didn't look back at her. "Now if you are going to follow me around like a sad puppy, I want you to see this!"

"What'd you say?!" Nabiki gritted her teeth.

The Doctor pointed to the new people in front of them.

Nabiki turned her head and saw the Kuno siblings. On a yacht.

"Brother dear, this is much too small," Kodachi complained.

"Ah, sister of mine, thou hath thyself to blame. The countless images of that pesky sorcerer Ranma Saotome have cut into our yacht fund. Now we can only afford a slight smaller yacht," Tatewaki answered, speaking like he was reading poetry. As usual.

Nabiki blinked. "How are we…? WE'RE FLOATING?!" She started to panic.

"Of all the things to panic over…" The Doctor mumbled. "Are you concerned at all with the misery of others?!"

"MISERY?!" Nabiki screamed. "This. THIS is misery?!"

The Doctor pointed at them again. "Yes. If only you'd watch."

"Oh hoh hoh hoh! My innocently naive brother, it is your obsession with that redheaded witch that is causing us finacial strain. That and your disgusting pursuit of the no-good Tendo girl," Kodachi said mockingly.

"Take that back!" Tatewaki pointed his bokken at his sister.

"Never! You cannot choose, foolish brother! You simply cannot! It has grown tiresome!" Kodachi took out her ribbon.

"But I, the Blue Thunder of Furinkan High, MUST have them both! I'll do whatever it takes!" Tatewaki vowed. "Rest is for the weak!"

The Doctor lounged in midair. "Looks like you got them obsessed with your family."

"Eh, pays the bills," Nabiki said with a shrug.

"You don't pay the bills," The Doctor pointed out, catching Nabiki in a lie.

Like she cared. "Whoops. Sounds good though, doesn't it? Are we done yet?"

The Doctor sighed in disappointment.

*Snap*

They were back in the snowy streets of Nerima.

"You are a pathetic child, and I don't say that lightly," The Doctor stated as he walked away.

"Hey! Wait! There's something I need to know!" Nabiki ran after him. "So what happened in that year? The year I lost?"

"Might as well tell you. Perhaps you'll learn from it: Nothing. Everything. All in between. Depends on your point of view, girl." The Doctor shrugged. "For instance, you've spent a year daydreaming staring out that window. Yet you also have not. Time is relative and all that."

"So… I dreamed I died." Nabiki frowned.

"Yes, precisely. Yet you also experienced no time at all. Fascinating, really. Floating timelines are weird like that. But that's what happens in a nested universe," The Doctor explained.

"Nested?" Nabiki was dumbfounded.

"Ah, yes. A universe within a universe. Which we are in right now. Outside it took a year. In here? No time at all. But also a year because reasons. Peculiar, isn't it?" The Doctor smiled. "You ventured into a universe within this universe when I arrived and in that universe my arriaval sent you into another universe where you died."

"How am I not dead?" Nabiki muttered. "And how do I get one universe up?"

"Oh, you did. Just not you, you. Think of it as a simulation within a simulation within a dream." The Doctor shrugged. "Or it could be your alternate selves. Perhaps your 2013 self? Who knows for certain?"

"So this isn't real?" Nabiki nearly collapsed.

The Doctor sighed. "Well, it is. It's real to you. That's all that matters. Right? Even the universe above us may not be real. Maybe there is no real realness. But that doesn't mean we should destroy those who are in this one. Is everything I did for nothing? I choose to not think that, for it doesn't matter how real this is. Do what you must here. Whether it's really real or just some giant computer, it's all we have."

Nabiki looked up at The Doctor and saw that she was in a cemetery. "I don't think I can do that…"

"Well, whatever it means, it does mean my successor gets paid." The Doctor gave a small smile, tears forming in his eyes. "Hope I'm finally ginger."

"Huh… Oh, WHAT?!" Nabiki's eyes widened as The Doctor glowed brightly, nearly blinding her.

That is, until he disappeared.

Leaving her all alone.

At night.

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**Author's notes:** dun dun dun dun! Woo wee oooo! Whee ooo! Marry Christmas everyone! Its legal! In more places than other types of Marriages anyway. Untkil next Hawaiian lunch, its me, the Text!


End file.
